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I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrence Real

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Amazon.com Review

A therapist himself, Terrence Real examines the dirty little secret of the American Male: chronic depression. As the author sees it, men who fall prey to depressive disorders are caught in a double bind. Since their feelings of helplessness are considered unmanly, they tend to hide them, which makes the descent into blackness even steeper. The solution? Real urges men (and women!) to cast aside their clichéd notions of gender and to accept that feelings are neither masculine nor feminine but essentially human.

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From Publishers Weekly

Hidden male depression is the focus of this clear, compelling book by a Massachusetts family psychotherapist who specializes in working with dysfunctional men. Because our culture socializes boys to mask feelings of vulnerability, he says, they bury deep within themselves damaging childhood trauma and its ensuing depressive effects when they become men. This strongly reasoned study starts out with an illustration of the "toxic legacy" that is passed, often for generations, from father to son, with each chapter adding another piece to the complex face. The lucid exposition of ideas is made more vivid through dramatizing. Real uses "composite" cases, so no actual person is depicted except the author himself. One of the most arresting aspects of the book is the autobiographical thread that he weaves throughout. Real's central concern is what he calls covert depression, a pain-filled, inchoate state that may or may not eventually erupt into overt depression. The book is wise beyond its stated scope: in setting up a model for the nature, etiology and treatment of male depression, Real ends up offering-with some gender variants-an almost universal paradigm. BOMC, QPB and One Spirit alternates. Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product details

Hardcover: 384 pages

Publisher: Scribner; 1 edition (January 16, 1997)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0684831023

ISBN-13: 978-0684831022

Product Dimensions:

6.5 x 1.2 x 10 inches

Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

4.5 out of 5 stars

209 customer reviews

Amazon Best Sellers Rank:

#86,750 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

In terms of understanding covert depression, Terry is spot on. For any men raised in a difficult home this book is a treasure map for finding the reward of healing. Terry is a tad political and ventures down some paths, a little too far, to make a point but his insight and diagnosis are on point.If western medicine is on top of the male depression issue than why do men exceed women in suicide nearly 4 to 1? Why are there so many psychotic meds available from your doctor? I'd suggest there are many misdiagnosed men who need to address prior trauma and don't have a clue about it.I've suggested this book to many men and especially any counselor or pastor who works with men.

I am currently reading this book and I wish I had read it years ago. This is a MUST READ for men or women that are married to men that they suspect might have struggles with depression, anger, addiction etc. This is a life changer for me. If you really love someone, you help them face their issues; you don't enable. If you are even considering this book, you probably really need it. I wish I had heard of it years earlier.

Sheds new light on depression in men and its far-reaching, terrible influence on us and those around us.If you, like me, always hated those terms like "toxic masculinity" and "vulnerability" and thought feelings are for weaklings who can't get results, and that SJWs or libs were just using those terms as a way to control men -Terry Real explains these things in a way that's not patronizing nor shaming. He explains why we feel the way we do and what it does to us and the people around us. He explains why it holds us back. And he does it all in a way that resonates deeply with any man that has felt this way, and probably will resonate with people who've had a man like this in their lives.Read this if you want to break the dark spell on your life, and protect your children and family from the same.

Terry Real’s book, I Don't Want to Talk About It, has been around since 1998. I just discovered it after using his book, The New Rules of Marriage, for couples as bibliotherapy, but that’s another story and excellent book.Terry takes a Trauma Informed look at men and their childhood development. He concludes that men are denied their mother’s support at a critical time in their development: when they are taught to “be a man” by their fathers and the surrounding culture. Their transition from attachment to independence and emotional competence is never resolved.Boys are admonished by the culture that “men don’t cry,” “your mom will turn you into a sissy boy,” or worse, they are admonished by their peers for being “gay” or a “girly boy” when showing feelings.His thesis is that men are left susceptible to depression that is often suppressed into a covert form. One of the few feelings allowed readily expressed by men is anger. Anger, driven by deprivation maternal attachment into depression, explodes outward into rage, often directed at women.Terry is a great writer and believes passionately in his Emotional Focused Therapy like approach to helping men.And the book works as bibliotherapy, to tease out those suppressed emotions from men in therapy. Men can readily identify with Terry’s personal story and approach.

I've read them all, and this book is hands-down the best guide about depression in men I've found...and I don't expect to find a better book on this subject, I've stopped looking. This book's author KNOWS the special shame that comes with being a depressed man.Spoiler alert: this book will make you look at yourself to examine the causes of your depression and ways to get out of it, but not a single step of this journey is easy or a miracle. Once you open this book, you will realize you aren't suffering alone. Finally, this book tackles unhealthy male stereotypes and tendencies that get us into trouble, sickness, or into an early grave.DON'T LET DEPRESSION SHAME YOU OUT OF LIVING A FULL, HAPPY LIFE. YOU DESERVE IT!

This book broke me open. Looking back on how covert depression may have been at the root of all the best and worst things I've done in my life, at the expense of relationship throughout all of it. It's going to take some time to get new bearings after this.

This is a very good book if you wish to understand your male depression and the things you do to deal with it. It has answered many questions for me and shed new light on why I feel the way I do and do the things I do. Although it is written specifically for men (according to the author, more men are prone to depression as adults because men inevitably encounter major trauma during childhood which they do not deal with because they are taught not to talk about it, not to cry, and to be "strong.") But, this book can be applied to anyone who has not dealt with childhood trauma for whatever reason...male or female. I recommend this book for woman, because it will help you to understand your husband or boyfriend and actually be able to help him understand himself and recover. Who knows...it may also help you to understand yourself.

This book is a diamond. In the many years I've recommended it to clients every one has said it's the best book they've read about male depression and the expression of anger. One father, after reading it, realized his own mistakes in parenting and bought a copy for his son. Terry Real is honest, straightforward and clear in his delivery of the challenges men have with imposed cultural images. He provides insight into the suppression of male emotions and the devastating impact "manliness" messages. You don't teach boys to be men - they already are...you teach males to be real with living. Read this book!

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